I went to the pool today with my son. It’s a weekly thing between me, my son and often my wife. We are swimmers and taught our son very early to swim. Liam loves water. If he could live in a pool, he would.
Anyway, today was different. We went to a pool in Orleans. A friend of ours had organized a birthday and rented a room in the same center where the pool is. I thought what a good idea to have the kids spend their energy before they eat cake. And so we went to this very nice pool.
When we entered, we heard a loud siren. It announced the waves. I thought : Wow! A pool with waves, cool! My son had a different reaction: he froze and he freaked. He ran for the change rooms. He asked to go home. He cried a lot. He was afraid of the sound. My son is a normal little guy but he sometimes has weird reactions to loud sounds, big lights, dark rooms or large crowds. We are not sure why, he’s just like that. We love him like that. But sometimes, these reactions are annoying. I tried to reason him for 15 min but he would not listen. Another loud siren. He then did more than freak, he shrieked.
So there i was, in a public pool with a 5 yo boy decided to go home because he’s affraid of a siren and crying loudly. The thing is, he really looked affraid.
I felt stuck.
Accept and go, avoid making a scene and it’s the equivalent of letting a 5yo unrealistic fear take control. Force him in the pool and i become an abusive father.
So i decided to be there, in the moment with him. I sat down. I took a deep breath in and looked at him. I saw my little boy, affraid, crying. He did not annoy me, i just wanted to understand. You are affraid? Yeah! Ok.
In that moment i understood something: don’t try to understand, just be there. Many significant people told me this in my life but it took a child make me understand. In moments filled with strong emotions, understanding is optional but loving presence is essential.
I told him i had no control, i could not make it stop. It would continue. He could stay here and do nothing until pool time was over in an hour, the siren would still sound every 15 min announcing waves. Or he could come with me, play in the pool and the siren would still sound every 15 min but at least we would have fun. I told him i did not understand why he was affraid and that there really was nothing to fear. I told him i would not go home because he was affraid but i offered to hold him in my arms and sit with him.
He came and sat with me. He calmed down. He accepted to go in the hot tub. We relaxed a bit more. Another loud siren announcing the end of wave period. I told him it was over. He wanted to swim in the pool. We went and swam a lap together. Another unexpected loud siren. I looked at him: affraid? Shrug of the shoulders: No. We swam a bit more and went to the showers. He smiled.
He had faced and conquered his fear. I felt i had been a good father, choosing to be with him, patient and firm not allowing unrealistic fears take control but offering a loving presence to help disolve his terrors.
As his father, I feel a strong need to protect my son from harm. But if he is to become a confident little man, i must also help him face his fears.
Tonight, after dinner, at home, we talked about courage. I told him that courage was not the absence of but the strength to face our fears. Since he was disguised as Batman yesterday, i explained that Batman had no real power like Superman. Batman did have lots of fears but he had even more courage and it’s why he was a super hero. I did not tell him but i want Liam to be my hero, i want him to develop the courage to face life’s challenge, starting with his own little kid’s fears. Today we did. I did not mind the looks i got from everyone at the pool, i got a lot… In the end, me and my son, we did this right and it’s the only thing i care about.
I love this little thing that came out of my wife’s belly 5 years ago so small and so fragile yet so full of life. At 5 yo, he’s a big kid but still so soft and tender inside. I love him so much that I cry just thinking how blessed i am to have him and his mother in my life. He teaches me so much about being a man. I would never have learned all this stuff about fatherhood if it was not for all the challenges he gives me.
He fills my life with love and this gives me the strength to try to be a good dad.
Original post Facebook, November 2014
Martin Pham Dinh 