Last week, i had a moment of recognition… I was preparing our luggages for the family ski weekend planned at my brother’s cottage and i suddenly stopped and asked myself a very important question:
Why am I doing this alone?
Why do i do (almost) everything for my 7 year old son?
I tend to do a lot because it’s faster and easier. But is it really?
Not!
And there i understood. There i recognized that this was an important moment in my life where i could change something. I knew about the importance of fostering autonomy in a child. We all know. But between knowledge and understanding, there is a big difference.
So i made an important decision: From now on, i would do everything possible to help my son become independent.
The first step is to give up doing everything.
The second step is to trust my son’s ability to do things on his own.
So the first thing i did is to stop doing the luggage and i made myself a coffee and relaxed. It felt good.
I waited for my son to come back from school and i told him we would do our luggages together. I would do mine. He would do his.
We had a discussion:
Why? Because you are old enough and i’m tired of doing everything.
How? Here is a list. I trust you can do this. You can read. You have a pen. Here is the way to do it: you read the words and the numbers representing the amount, you get the stuff and you put it into your luggage. When you put the right number of an item in your luggage, you scratch if off your list. Understood?
Yes!
Any questions?
No!
Ohh, one more thing… I trust you can do this so i won’t even check your luggage.
If there is anything missing this weekend, we’ll just have to deal with it. OK?
OK.
So i went in my room and he in his. We did our luggages together.
Afterwards, it was time to pack the car: luggages, ski equipment, cooler, etc.
Same principle, i told Liam we would not go if i had to do everything alone.
So he helped me pack the car. He even worked harder than i did. He was proud! I was happy!
At the cottage, the second morning, i was looking for socks in his luggage. I could not find one single pair… I was a bit disappointed so i went to him and asked him where were his socks. He answered that he did not put any in the luggage. WHY??? Because it was not on the list…… LOOL, i obviously can’t be a perfect father…
Fast foward to this afternoon. I was planning dinner: grilled salmon vegetables and rice. I wanted to prepare all this so that i can have quality time with my son upon our return from school. Again, i recognized the same situation. Why am i doing this alone? So i stopped and made myself a coffee and relaxed. It felt good.
I went to get Liam earlier than planned. We got home and he wanted to play. I said no, not now, we got work to do.
Work?
Yes, we need to prepare dinner together.
What?
You heard me, we’ll prepare dinner together.
It’ll take 15-20 min.
You prepare the rice and veggies.
I’ll grill the salmon.
What? No! I want to play!
Well, you know, if you want to eat, you got to cook.
Recently, i decided you were big enough to do stuff.
So i decided that you would get more responsibilities and more work.
Why? Because you are growing up.
And you know what?
When you get more responsibilities, you also get more freedom because it shows me that i can trust you more.
Remember yesterday evening, i let you play alone outside, on your bike, on our street? Yes. That’s because i trust you now because you are older now.
You see, growing old is fun. You work a little more but you get more freedom and more fun.
OK!
So he did prepare the rice in the rice cooker, cut the veggies to steam cook in the rice cooker.
I showed him how to do everything because it was the first time but he worked hard and did a great job.
It took maybe 10 minutes instead of 5 but i realized one very important thing.
It was not just Liam helping out,
It was my son learning to cook,
It was me teaching him something useful,
It was me being a father.
Thank you.
Original post Facebook, March 2016
Martin Pham Dinh 