Why I write?

This reflection is recurring in my thoughts and it evolves over the years. It changes as I do.

Tonight, a friend took the time to write a nice comment on my writing style, basically saying he appreciated my thoughts, my post. My answer was short “My writing is just an honest expression of how I feel.”

It’s true but it’s more than that, my motivation runs deeper.

Now that the fire has burned out in the fireplace and that Liam has gone home to his Mother’s for the week, I am left with a space and time with myself.  I love this time alone where I can just think. 

I have replaced the fireplace with candles and I have refilled the glass of wine. I have changed the Christmas music for something that feels more thoughtful to me, “A thousand years” from The Piano Guys feels just right with my wine and my thoughts.

This question stayed in my mind tonight… why do I write?

Some people paint. Some sculpt. Some play music. The creative part of me is expressed through writing.

To be honest, I started writing over a decade ago, for the simple pleasure of the art. Eventually, I liked the attention that writing brought me. Like a lot of people, at some point I became addicted to the social aspect of sharing stuff on Facebook. To be honest, I still like the attention, I am only human but being aware of this, it is less important for me to be liked than it used to be.  My drive to write has changed over the years… especially since my divorce in 2015.

Honestly, my divorce was the most difficult ordeal of my life and, at the same time, it was one of the most beautiful gift.  I was given a book with blank pages. I had to reinvent my life. I found freedom in solitude. I found solace in these quiet moments where I could write and search honestly who I really was through what was felt. My gift was being able to transform what was felt in words.

Nowadays, writing feels more like an urge  and something I need to do rather than something I want to do.  I feel strong creative urges, brought about by strong emotions.

My best writing is inspired by emotions and real life events.

When I feel something, I have an urge to write… And I don’t write for people now.  I honestly don’t write for you. I write for me. I write to satisfy this urge. Writing is how I understand how I feel.

Tonight, I felt tears come up in my eyes, like a wave of emotion warming my heart when Liam was the table, just talking and being himself with his father. Now I understand why I felt like that and exactly what I felt because i found it by sitting down and writing about it, answering that urge. These were not tears of sadness, it was pure awe at our ability to still find joy, gratefulness and love in these difficult times. 

There was also pride in recognizing a part of me blooming in my son’s mind and heart.

But tonight, a question stayed with me once again, looking for an answer “why do I write?” and this is the process through which I find my answer.

I write to understand how I feel.  I write to understand how I choose to live.  I write to find happiness which I define for myself as simply being grateful for what I have right here and right now.

I write to satisfy creative urges, expression of deep intense emotions that I welcome in my life as I know now how find the beauty in them, whatever their color or form. 

I am often reminded that sadness and grief  tend to drive more change in our existence than joy and pleasure.  Let’s be open to whatever happens in our lives. Let’s use every opportunity life brings to grow and become more ourselves, authentic, sincere and thoughtful human beings.

Thank you for being here, you who take the time to read what I write.