Yesterday was a though shift in the emergency room. Although it is part of the job, seeing a young man die is never easy. Being with the family, supporting them through an unexpected loss is a privilege. I am reasonably comfortable with death and dying. It does not mean that it’s easy. It just means that i have the mental and emotional space to welcolme someone else’s pain and be with them.
There is no good way to say « Your boyfriend, son, brother, he died suddenly ». I put a hand on their shoulder and i just look at them, eye to eye, and the bare hard painful truth comes out. Burst of tears and cries, explosions of anger, waves of pain, they all come to me. I stand my ground. I wait. When it seems appropriate, i put an arm around their shoulder and i feel their pain and i simply say « I am sorry, we did everything we could ». I am patient. For all the hurry that comes with my job, this is a time where i stay and where i am patient.
I leave the family, promising to be there for them, should they have any more comments or questions. I have other patients to see. The life in the emergency never stop. Just keep going.
Last night, i did not sleep well. I still had horrible images in my mind. A traumatic death is never beautiful. I am grateful to have a day off so i plan to enjoy this day fully. The side effect of exposure to so much pain and suffering is that i get the profound conviction that life is fragile and i must enjoy it’s every moment. I sit down to prepare breakfast and i write an email to my group of mountain bike friends. Last minute plans never work and i don’t mind going alone but mountain bike is fundamentally a social sport where pleasure is multiplied as it is shared.
About 15 minutes after writing this email, two good friends show up at my doorstep, ready to go. Who would’ve thought? They were in the area planning to enjoy this beautiful sunday morning. So off we go explore the trails of the Gatineau park. As i am riding, i notice things. The sun shines through the leaves. Colors are changing. After the rain, the forest smells and feels alive. Nature is preparing itself for another cycle. I breathe hard. We struggle but we welcolme the physical pain. Gradually, a shift happens, my inner discomfort disappears and i feel lighter, i have more space, the emotions of the previous evening are fading.
While i am riding with my friends, my girlfriend drops by my house to be with me. She knows about my evening and she is just being who she is: supportive and generous. Although i missed her, i am so grateful for this gentle thought. I spend my life taking care of others, it feels really good to have someone who thinks and wants to take care of me. This is just another feel good moment. I am not alone.
I am very lucky to have such good friends and to be able to live and feel, in such a short time, the essence of life: suffering, death, friendship and love.
Thank you.
Original post Facebook, October 2017
Martin Pham Dinh 