To push enough without too much force.
To let them fail once.
To let them fail twice.
But never to abandon them.
Always support and love.
And also persevere, never quit.
This is the story of my day. Let me continue…
Me and my son, we planned a day of adventure with his cousins at Parc des Chutes de Coulonge: tree tops obstacle course, Via Ferrata over a fall in a canyon, multiple ziplines.
There is always a risk when a parent brings a child to a zipline 30 feet in a tree and asks him: can you do this? The answer can be a yes or a no. One has to accept all possibilities.
I had prepared Liam well for this. At 11 years old, he has done his share of father and son adventures. This summer, we walked the 15km Mount Megantic three summit trail. Last year, we hiked up Mount Tremblant and we did the kid’s tree adventure in Camp Fortune. But this is another game, it’s bigger and much higher.
I often think about what it means to raise a resilient child. I understand that resilience is built with a certain amount of stress and difficulty. Resilience doesn’t grow in easy and comfortable. Resilience is carved in challenges. This is what I have been seeking with my son for the last few years, difficult adventures. This is the reason why this morning, we travelled for an hour and a half to an amazing forest in Fort-Coulonge.
While we were walking in Mount Megantic last month, I told Liam: “You know, this walk will be hard, very hard and I will be with you all the way. It has nothing to do with your physical strength or endurance. Whether you succeed or not has everything to do with your mindset. We have two exit options before the end so don’t worry about being stuck. I just want you to try to see what you can do.”
Yesterday evening, I showed Liam Youtube videos of the park, the obstacle course, the via ferrata, the zip lines and I asked him:
– Do you think you can do this?
– Absolutely! but i am unsure about the zipline.
– No problem, we’ll skip the ziplines if we need to.
So I came to Fort-Coulonge with a certain confidence in my 11 year old son ability to enjoy the day.
Once arrived, we registered at the park and we get the safety instructions. Liam looks at the first tree we have to climb… It must be 30 feet and there is a zip line at the top.
– I am not doing this. You told me we can skip the ziplines.
– I am sorry, I made a mistake, there are ziplines everywhere here. You can’t do anything without trying ziplines.
– I am definitely not doing this.
– OK, I won’t force you, I promised. Just follow us.
Liam followed us but never once tried a zipline. He did 1/10th the obstacle course where there were ladders and no ziplines. He did not complain.
We had lunch together. He gathered the courage to ask to try the big zipline at the Via Ferrata. I was hoping he could find the courage to try.
When he saw the canyon, he backed out.
– I am not doing this.
– OK, I won’t force you. Can you wait for us here? Yes.
(… 10 minutes later).
– I want to try again.
– OK come on over.
I look in his eyes.
– You know, it’s normal to feel fear. I feel fear too. At some points in your life, you will get choices and you will need to decide if you face your fears or if you let them control you. This is what courage is all about. I don’t want you to do this for me. I want you to do this for you, if you want to.
If you don’t, no worries, you won’t lose anything. I will still love you. I will still be proud of you.
His eyes water and he says something beautiful and honest.
– Part of me wants to try but part of me can’t.
– I understand, you are torn between wanting and being afraid.
– No, it’s not that Dad. I don’t want to spend 2 hours alone.
Now part of me wanted to be a tough dad and let him face the consequences of his choices. Part of me wanted to go on and enjoy this magnificent zipline. But I was also torn by my choices and I realized that this is not about me, it’s about being in an adventure with my son, sharing this day together.
I had a kind of epiphany…We can see events as they are, simple adventures. We can also choose to see them as opportunities to replay the meaning of our lives. I then looked in Liam’s eyes and tears flowed while I talked.
– I want you to know that I will never abandon you. I will always be with you. My hand will always be there for you to hold. My heart will always be there for you to find love. Let’s go see this zipline and if you want to do it then we’ll do it together. If you don’t want to do it, then we won’t do it together.
We went to the launch pad for this huge zipline that goes over a canyon maybe 50 feet lower. Liam decided he would not try this today and we walked back, hand in hand.
My son brought me back to the first tree with the 30 feet zipline.
– Dad, I think I can do this. No, Dad, I want to do this.
Off we went, climbing trees, crossing multiple ziplines and obstacles for about two hours. Smiling, laughing and having found courage together but most importantly, having strengthened our relationship by being there for one another, bonded by this love that can grow between a son and his father, when given the chance to flourish.
To push enough without forcing.
To let them fail once.
To let them fail twice.
But never to abandon them.
Always support and love.
And also persevere, never quit.
In these eyes, in this smile, my life becomes meaningful.
Thank you.
Original post Facebook, August 2020
June 2021 update
Yesterday, we repeated the same process when I brought Liam to do whitewater rafting on the Ottawa river with Momentum Rafting.
The morning was difficult, Liam was afraid of the big waves, it was just too much. At the first class 4 rapid, he freaked out and left the boat. I stayed with him. We talked. I told him I understood his fear but it was only this, much more fear than real danger. As I did before, I would stay with him, respect his decision, let him decide where he wants to go (…in life..) but often provide opportunities to test his will and learn to control his emotions.
In the afternoon, he decided to stay and go down all 9 rapids including the bigger ones. I did not say anything, neither pushed or forced, just being with him.
This morning, we talked about our adventure toether. I told him that I would continue to bring him to places that are uncomfortable. I will accompany him, never force him, always support him and respect his decision. In the end, I told him I thought it was beautiful the way he managed to control and face his fear. We talked about fear being very useful to keep us safe but sometimes, it prevent us from doing things and going places.
One of my role as a father is to teach him to control at least 2 emotions: fear and anger.
These activities are not so much about going down rapids but about discovering emotional control.
Martin Pham Dinh 