I am trying to develop the skill of responding thoughtfully rather than reacting emotionally to events in my life. I understand that emotions often arise in reaction to my interpretation of events (narrative) rather than the event itself.
Frequently and to varying intensity, emotions prevent us from seeing reality as it is, especially when they hijack, take over, the control of our mind.
Here is an example that illustrates this idea.
This afternoon, I am waiting for my son at the school’s exit. We have an appointment in 15 minutes. I told him to get out as soon as possible and meet me here. It’s getting late. I do not want to arrive late for our appointment. I sense an emotion rise in my belly. We are not late yet, but the story I tell myself creates this feeling, the reason I imagine for his not being here right now catches all my attention. I see myself generating this narrative, and I change it by being curious. “What if he was doing something important?” and my negative emotion does not rise. I just let it go, and I keep my calm. I accept that he will arrive when he does, and that reality will unfold in real life instead of potentially false predictions taking over my mind. Previously, I would’ve ruminated on this false narrative for as long as I would wait for my son, only to realize that it wasn’t true when tested with what was happening. Externally, it does not change anything. Internally, I avoided spending cognitive and emotional energy on a big “what if” distraction that never happened.
This process repeatedly unfolds in my life and it probably does in yours too… Let me just ask a relevant question to test this hypothesis. Let’s imagine at a frequent and very benign situation that can elicit a popular narrative.
Have you ever sent a text message to a significant other, only to wait longer than expected for an answer? During that waiting period, did you ever create a story explaining why this person was “ignoring” you ? Did you feel a rising sense of being “dismissed” or “ignored” only to realize later that there was another perfectly good reason for the delay?
Negative emotions arise, and I can identify them pause and respond rather than react. I can also intervene earlier in the process, identify the narrative that generates an emotion and change it so that I don’t have to experience it. This realization is mind-opening and life-transforming for me. I have control over my experience since I control the narrative of my life, the meaning I attribute to events, with the stories I tell myself.
Lisa Feldman Barrett has an empowering message for all of us. It resonates with my current work. I invite you to watch her TED Talk: “You aren’t at the mercy of your emotions.”
Many thanks to Daniel Goleman, Paul Ekman and Alan Wallace for inspiring me on this path. Your books and teachings have been invaluable resources fueling my growth.
I am forever grateful.
Martin Pham Dinh 