This video, “Active Constructive Responding” is simply awesome. It takes 10 minutes to watch, and it’s a game-changer. If you plan on continuing reading this, please offer yourself the gift of watching this beautiful illustration of different ways to respond to shared joy. Three ways inadvertently distance us while one fosters genuine connections.
1- Distracted and dismissive
2- Critical: pointing out the negative aspects and the risks.
3- Joy thief: overpowering others with personal accomplishments., outshining their joy.
4- Empathic, active constructive response: embracing shared joy as a treasured gift and reflecting on it. Reserving all other comments for another time.
It’s easy to think and talk about these, but to see them enacted opens our awareness.
The first time I watched, I saw reflections of my own missteps, not as a villain, but as someone sometimes navigating social interactions clumsily.
Then, watching it alongside my partner, an emotional realization ensued, leading to shared tears. If we want to become better people, we must become aware. True growth often requires confronting our less flattering sides.
Just recently, a friend relayed a story of small yet meaningful pride.
Internally, I grappled with my initial reactions. In the theatre of my mind, I saw my own immature instantaneous reactions. First, I dismissed it as superficial. Second, I criticized it because, really, the third reaction, i thought “I am better than that”. All these reactions took about 6 seconds to happen in my mind.
As I saw the reactions unfold, I felt guilt. When I put myself above others, I’m not better, I’m worse than them. These reactions come from a lack of confidence, and I know where this began, and I forgive myself for doing this for over 4 decades. I need forgiveness and kindness to react with empathy within my own mind. From a place of generosity and kindness in my heart, I intentionally offered an answer that allowed us to share a simple moment of joy.
“You must be so proud and happy about this. I share that pride and joy with you. Good job.”
It felt good to respond like this, knowing that I shared his joy by welcoming it.
We amplify the positive and we divide the negative feelings of others when we receive them appropriately.
Happiness and a meaningful life are not expensive; they can be created within our world and realized through relationships.
If we want to bring the best out of other people, we have to bring the best of ourselves to others.
For me, it is a work in progress, and I often fail, but I’ll keep trying and sometimes, I’ll get it, and I’ll allow myself to feel good, and that’s OK too.
Over the past year, I’ve undergone a journey of change, immersing myself in a program called “Cultivating Emotional Balance.” Dedication to daily meditation, reading, and introspection has honed my attention and awareness, unveiling the depths of my heart and mind.
When I imagine my mind as a theatre, attention becomes the focused beam of a flashlight, pinpointing specific areas, while awareness acts as ambient lighting, illuminating the entire space. Together, they enhance the visibility of my inner workings, empowering me to understand my reactions and allowing me to choose different, more insightful paths.
The main benefit I gained is not the mindfulness, not the peace of mind, not the emotional awareness; it is the commitment that I have to make, every day, to go beyond the knowledge-thoughts-talk and venture into ways of being and actions embodied in good kind and compassionate people.
Emotional balance is not found in thoughts, it is felt in the grace of being and living in coherence with our values.
When my ways of being, thinking, talking and acting are aligned, it is easier to live, to laugh and to love with the people who share my life.
Thank you.
Martin Pham Dinh 