On death and dying…and what it means to live well

To write and think about death and dying is not macabre… it is really to write and think about how one can appreciate life and the gift of time. It is to ponder on one’s personal choices to use this precious time given in this beautiful fragile existence.

What do we want? Where do we go in life? What do we leave behind? What will be our legacy? These are important questions… I have yet to find a better answer to all these questions than this single word…. LOVE.

The photo I used to illustrate this post is my father’s hand under mine under that of my son’s. It is not meant to illustrate death and dying, it is all about life and the transmission of love through the passage of time, through successive generations. It is about the joy of being together. When we are together, I really find that I am enjoying a life well lived. Through his love, my father still shares the best of him with me. Through my love, I share the best of myself with my son. And so on…

I like this poem a lot… I didn’t write it, and according to Wikipedia, it’s not clear who wrote it, but anyways, it’s beautiful. I need to share it as it resonates with something I wrote (published below) 24 years ago when I was 23 years old, a medical student on the palliative care ward.

“Don’t stand there crying in front of my grave, I’m not there, I’m not sleeping there…

I am the wind blowing through the trees, I am the glitter of the diamond on the snow, I am the sunlight on the ripe grain, I am the gentle autumn rain…

When you wake up in the calm of the morning, I am the flight of birds that whirl in the sky…

So don’t stand there lamenting in front of my grave I’m not there, I’m not dead!

Why would I be out of your life just because I’m out of your sight?

Death, you know, is nothing at all.

I just went to the other side. I am me, and you are you. Whatever we were to each other before, we’ll always be.

To talk about me, use my first name. Speak of me simply as you always have. Don’t change your tone. Don’t look serious and sad. Laugh as before at the jokes that we enjoyed together so much.

Play, smile, think of me. Live for me and with me.

Let my name be the comforting song that it has always been. Pronounce it with simplicity and naturalness, without any sign of regret.

Life means everything it has always meant. Everything is always the same, it goes on. The thread is not broken.

What is death if not a passage? Relativize and let it flow. All the aggressions of life, Always think and talk about me Around you and you’ll see, everything will be fine. You know, I can hear you, I’m not far awayI’m here, just on the other side.” — Unknown author.

Tuesday March 4, 1997 – Martin Pham Dinh’s medical student journal

On death and dying…

To witness the death of a human being is a profoundly touching experience.

Mr. S. passed away this morning, surrounded by family members. It was a very intense moment to live and to experience. It was profoundly touching when we formed a circle of love around him, joining hands and saying a farewell prayer together. I felt a lot of sadness in the hearts of the S. family, but a glimmer of hope shone beyond their tears, it was a reflection of all the love they felt for their late father.

I have not been shaken and upset by this event because serenity settled in my heart, anchored by a feeling of hope and compassion.

I am no longer afraid of death. I am aware that it is easy to say when everything is going well, and I am in excellent health. I believe that I am no longer afraid of death because I feel that, when the flame of life leaves us, it is only to be reborn in the hearts of the people we have loved.

The immortality of our soul lies in our ability to sow, in the minds of the people we love, the best of ourselves, and it is this hope that the best of myself will survive that gives meaning to my life, and that makes me accept my inevitable death.