On emotional intelligence in the field…

There is a lot of knowledge out there on the subject of emotional intelligence but it is difficult to apply it in the real world and explain it to people in ways that resonate with their experience so that words become meaningful.

Let me try by using a real world example. I am sharing a discussion that I had with a colleague. I am removing the details because they are not important. This kind of interaction happens over and over in our lives because the human being is a social animal.

“I want to push the discussion on hot buttons a little deeper if you don’t mind because when I see an example, I like to use it to learn and understand. I also need to share this perspective with people I respect because this is not a popular subject and through discussion and exchange with people I trust, I learn a lot. 

As you know, I have an interest in emotional intelligence.  Where communication is about connecting and generating trust, emotional intelligence is about navigating gracefully the social landscape, avoiding conflicts, solving problems when they inevitably arise. One cannot be emotionally intelligent without being a good communicator. 

The first step in emotional intelligence is emotional control and awareness.   Between the trigger, the emotion, and our reactions, we teach people to create a space to stop, think, and make thoughtful decisions. You were triggered by a word in X’s email. It resonated with previous experiences and you felt targeted. An emotion emerged, anger. You wrote an email but, before sending it, you entered this space and you made the thoughtful decision to respond differently.  This is awesome, and in the end, it is what counts in the real world. 

Your emotion arose not from the stimulus, the word “you”, but to the meaning you gave to that word, you felt included. And managing this emotion, refraining yourself from reacting did cost significant cognitive energy.  When the emotional train is going full speed, slowing it down takes energy… some would say that doing this all day is exhausting. Going deeper in emotional awareness, there is another place where space can emerge, it is between the trigger and the emotion, in that place where our brain creates narratives, the story we tell ourselves to give meaning to what is happening. In this space, one can see an emotion rise and look at the trigger and at the story and remove layers of bias before responding.  In this space, a lot of energy is saved because the emotion does not rise to a level where it must be actively managed.  Here the word bias is not used with judgment, it is simply a filter programmed in our brain to help it make quick decisions, it’s an evolutionary gift that allowed us to survive the sabertooth tigers at a time when paralysis by analysis was deadly. 

Now you shared with me the story of that email to share this experience you had because this is how we manage negative emotions, we divide them through shared experience. I can appreciate this. It turns out that my experience was fundamentally different, I did not feel included by the word “you” that has 2 meanings in the English language, it can mean “many” or it can mean “one”. In this specific context, the meaning I gave the word you was “him” and, through this lens, no anger rose because I felt this was an appropriate response. “

Now the next question that such an experience elicits is: how do I cultivate this space in my mind?

I do not have the perfect answer for this, here is my humble understanding of the subject and I would gladly receive advice or comments, if you have a better answer.

Knowledge precedes understanding. Just being exposed to an idea has the potential to open our minds to new perspectives, just like a virus… once infected, it can prove difficult to “unsee” something and easier to recognize a pattern in your life. For example, the next time I become so angry that I can’t think about anything else, or I feel any emotion that captures your entire mindscape, I might tell myself to pause before acting out, and then ask myself: where does this emotion come from, how was it created in my mind? Is the trigger responsible? Does my mind’s story fit reality or are there alternative explanations?

This kind, curious and compassionate inquiry about the reality of our emotional landscape is an exercise that can be done every day, whenever emotion arises, especially on the negative spectrum.

One could also learn to observe the mind through various mindfulness practices. This is another subject for which I don’t have enough knowledge, understanding, and experience to be able to write about.

Thank you.