The house of cards, a separation story…

To my friend who’s heart is filled with sadness tonight… I mourn with you.

As I witnessed your pain, I returned in my memories. I searched and found my writings, my thoughts, my word therapy during a difficult period of my life when my house of cards collapsed when we, me and my wife, decided that we’d had enough pain and we still had enough respect and love for each other put an end to this common life.

I am humbly sharing with you everything I wrote with the hope that, in my story, you recognize a part of yourself. I want you to understand one thing at the core of your being and never forget: you will never be alone.

You will never be alone. Thank you.

August 15, 2015

To my close friends who are aware of the challenges I face, I will say a few words about the things I learned in the last 3 days:

Resilience is not built by taking the easy road. 

Do the right thing, always. 

Embrace the pain that life brings, it is a very humbling experience. 

Don’t be afraid to share sorrow, it is divided into as many people that accept it and will be reflected back, transformed into love. 

Tears bring peace and courage, it is ok to cry often.

My greatest asset is my capacity to see beauty in everything. 

I will find a positive outcome to this difficult moment I have to face.

August 18, 2015 – The end of my suffering…
Four days of mourning. Four nights of insomnia. Ninety-six interminable hours of questioning, of reflection, of anxiety. A torrent of tears. Sadness shared with many and reflected back as love from the people who care. A hard time during which I got to know the darker shades in the rainbow of emotions. A great suffering that I welcomed with open arms. I have gone through the stages of grief many times to come to a realization: this is a good thing that is happening to all three of us.

August 19, 2015 – A new balance…

My life is transformed.

Today, i was working, doing what i do best: practicing emergency medicine and teaching a young doctor.

Tonight i went to the restaurant with Nadine and Liam. We enjoyed our new relationship. It’s different. It’s ok.

A friend came to my house and we went mountain biking at sunset.

I’m happy again. 

I’m at peace. 

I’m calm.

I have just survived a life shattering event and my life has already found a new balance point.

My resilience, i got if from my heart and my honesty. I have not hidden my pain, i have shared it.

My strength, i got it from all the love i still have in me.

My courage, i got it from the tears i shed. When we stop crying, the calmness that follows is beautiful.

Now i’ll show you my friends the most beautiful being in my life.

He’s my blood,

He’s my flesh,

He is the center of my world,

He is the love of my life,

He is my son

August 20, 2015 – Dare to love…

If you dare to love, don’t be afraid to suffer. If you dare to be happy, never be afraid to cry.

This is what I learned today…
Through this ordeal, I am still able to find beauty in my daily life. I saw this flower on the banks of the Gatineau River this morning while swimming with my son, brother and parents.
Tonight, I found a certain peace.
When suffering invaded my body, my heart and my soul during the last 96 hours, my values, my philosophy, the very basis of my optimism were tested but I survived. I have resolved one of the great trials of my life. The sadness is not gone and the work has only just begun but I have realized that I am in exactly the right place at this point in my life and I have all the tools to rebuild it and make me happy again.
I have stayed true to my values.
It’s easy to talk about great values when everything is going well, but staying true to your heart when your world is falling apart is another thing.
I am very proud of that.

August 21, 2015 – A writer…

I’m a writer…
As the events of my life unfold and I am entering a new chapter in my existence, one filled with white pages, I realize something: I am a writer.
Writing is how I find peace in periods of suffering.
Writing is how I share my joy with the world.
Writing is how I touch people.
So, I will write more and more.
And to those who are uncomfortable with displays of strong sometimes raw emotions, just block me. You are free as am i.
Everything I do, everything I feel, you all have it in you. I have this gift, finding it and using words to show that life, however it presents itself in your existence, through a rainbow of emotions good and bad, can be filled with beauty.
Writing is how I travel existence, searching for meaning and looking for peace, love, and happiness.
To all of my friends who encouraged me, through the years, to continue writing: Thank you.

August 25, 2015 – Dear colleagues…

I am currently going through one of the greatest trials of my life.

After 25 years together, my wife and I have decided to separate. I would like to say that my wife is leaving me but I won’t because, in this kind of heartbreak, there is no good or bad, just a lot of pain and misunderstanding. I am filled with emotions. A great sadness has invaded my life. The house of cards of my existence is gone. I never wished or even imagined that this could happen to me. I have been blind to the suffering of others for a long time and I will live with great regret for the things I should have done differently. I try to take one day at a time. I am writing to you because, more than ever, I will need your support. In the 15 years, I’ve been working in the ER, I’ve always been the positive, enthusiastic guy willing to help out and do his part but now I’m the one who needs help. I am not depressed, I am sad. I accept this sadness with its daily torrent of tears, I know it is absolutely necessary. In the rainbow of life’s emotions, I am learning about it’s darker shades. Eventually, I will emerge humbled from having gone through this experience but until then, I take it one day at a time. My resilience, I find around me. My strength is found in the love and support of my friends and family. After 15 years of being with you, I consider you are a part of this circle of important people in my life. The reason for my email is that I need to share what I am going through. I will especially need your support. I also need your understanding.

Thursday I went to work and it felt great. Ian offered to take the middle finger. J, after finishing her shift, even offered to stay so that I could go home and I was deeply touched by this great kindness but I refused because I need to work, I need to take my mind off things. G generously offered to trade my next weekend night shift.

I have always loved this job and caring for people is what I do best and what gives me the most pleasure right now. I’m going to show up for all of my shifts, but I’m not going to be the most efficient guy in the world. My shift on Thursday was hard, but it felt good. Emotions come in waves. I cried a few times. I’m not hiding, there’s no need to be ashamed of emotion we’ve all felt at one time or another in our lives. Now I understand the stages of grief, I’ve been through each one before but I didn’t know you could go through them in recurring cycles. I will try to see patients as I live each day, one at a time. I will take more breaks than usual.

Don’t worry, I am going through a normal range of emotions and just need time and support. I have a great family and great friends, I’m very well taken care of, I’ll be fine.

I have no idea how long it will take me to get back to normal functioning. For once in my life, I don’t pretend to think that I will be better than average, I accept to live one day at a time.

Thank you for understanding and for all the support you can give me.

August 30, 2015 – All that I have lost…
In recent days, I have lived through the most painful experience of my life.
I lost everything.
I lost my wife.
I lost the very things that were the foundation of my happiness: love and family.
I have shed more tears in a few days than I thought I could in a lifetime.
And yet… after losing everything, I’m still here.
Once the pain subsided, once the tears have dried, I’m still here.
I have changed.
Deep inside, I feel a new sense of calmness, a new strength.
I own my happiness.
I have this joy inside me and even though the sorrow, this light still shines.
There is still a lot of love in me.
For everything I have lost… I have also gained a few beautiful things.
I have discovered that great friendship and family are most precious during hardship.
And I have been offered an unexpected gift: freedom.
In the last decade, my life has been very predictable.
Today, my life is like a white canvas on which I can paint anything using the colors of my own choosing.
Tomorrow will bring new challenges and new adventures.
The future will bring a lot of love and joy but I know that suffering is an inevitable part of life.
I’m ready for this new existence,
I do not fear life, I appreciate every moment of it, the good and the bad.
I have one conviction: everything happens for a reason.
To my parents, brothers, friends, colleagues, and all those that have been there for me in this unfortunate adventure, I will never say it enough: Thank you.

August 31, 2015 – The first meal as a solitary single father…

My life is an adventure.
I’m living new experiences every day.
I refuse to let the sadness of my situation overwhelm me.
My son is in my home with his mother.
I have the privilege to have a good friend who makes everything right so I can feel at home in his house.
Being away is the best thing we can do to help him make this transition.
He will develop a new routine with his mother and he’ll do the same with me.
It will take time.
I’ll never say this is easy. It’s one of the hardest things I have ever done.
As I have said previously, I have no choice but to be strong
And I choose to do the right thing, to be the best man I can be.
So how do I approach this first dinner alone, away from home.
In a dance, the first step sets the rhythm so I’m trying to make this right.
This has to become my routine,
This is my new life, accept it, deal with it.
I must own my happiness, make my own moments of joy.
So I decided to do what I do best: find beauty around me.
If I can’t find it, I can create it.
I have always loved cooking.
The simple act of transforming food into something delicious is one beautiful expression of love.
Food brings people together.
Food is at the core of family life.
So I found my way this evening.
I found my joy. I cooked for myself. I took my time.
I created something so simple yet so beautiful that I had to share it.
This pizza is the first step in my new life as a solitary single father
It is filled with what is in my heart: full of flavors, beautiful aromas, vibrant colors and so, so much love.
When we open our hearts to the world, beautiful things happen.
To all who follow my daily posts, you must know that the simple act of sharing my thoughts with you heals my soul.
Thank you.

September 8, 2015 – A child’s tears…
This morning was difficult. Right before leaving the house to go to school, Liam complained of abdominal pain.
I noticed a little sadness in his expression.
I asked him if he was sad.
He answered no.
I asked him if he felt like this because he did not want to go to school.
I did not answer but there was water in his eyes. He turned his head away.
I told him that I knew he found the first week of first grade to be difficult because playtime was over and he had to work.
We discussed the value of school.
I told him that knowledge (reading, writing, counting) was the most beautiful treasure he could get from life but it had to be earned and he had to work for it.
I reassured him that with work and responsibilities came more freedom. He was a big boy now.
He still had water in his eyes.
I told him it was OK to cry, that tears brought courage and calmness. I told him I also cried sometimes.
Then I took him in my arms and I told him I loved him and I would always be there for him. He started crying. I could not resist, I cried with him. It was a beautiful moment even though filled with tears.
Then we felt better. He found his strength and we went to school.
I feel that sadness and genuine tears in a child should never be repressed but acknowledged and understood. When our children feel comfortable expressing their emotions with us, true understanding can bloom.
The tears of a child are like raindrops nourishing and strengthening the roots of his soul.

September 13, 2015 First week, first father & son adventure…
I have said before that the first step in a dance sets the rhythm.
For our first weekend together, I wanted my son to do something special with his father. I did not want to end this week in sadness. Being separated from his mother is already a big change.
I wanted to create joy and happiness in our lives.
A few weeks ago, I told Liam we could go camping at Lake Philippe if the weather was right. This week, he asked me twice: when are we going camping? I hesitated.
The weather forecast for the weekend did not look good. When I started preparing my camping gear Friday morning, there was a 40% probability of rain every day of the weekend except Sunday, where the probability increased to 70%. I was torn between my promise to my son and the desire to make this first night in a tent a memorable one. We had camped before but never slept in a small tent, always in Hekipia ready-to-camp tent. Before Liam was born, camping and hiking were one of the most enjoyable things in my life.
If you ever spent an entire evening and night in a small tent because it’s raining, you know what I mean when I say it’s not necessarily an experience a 6-year-old kid will enjoy and want to repeat. So I hesitated…
But Liam was excited about the idea of camping and I could not cancel this just because there was a 40% chance of rain… So I decided to go anyways and deal with the rain if it came.
Sometimes, we just have to make a leap of faith.
The rationale was simple: an ordinary evening at home or an adventure with a chance of rain…
I picked him up right at school. I had brought our camping gear, food, bikes, toys, etc.. I had enough stuff to leave for one week but I was planning on returning 24h later… I left nothing to chance, I wanted this experience to be fun.
We arrived at Lake Philippe at 17h00. I had fond memories of this campground. I told Liam that the first time I camped there, I was about his age. We got to our campsite and I started to set up the tent. I was worried that Liam would get bored while I was working so I let him play with my multi-tool. I showed him how to cut small branches using the pliers and the little saw. I knew there was a small risk of injury… there is always a risk when a child does something new but sometimes we just have to trust them. He cut wood with his new tools. He ran after a squirrel. He threw rocks. He did all the things little boys do on a campground. When I was finished setting up our tent, he watched me cut wood with an axe. I taught him how to prepare a fire with paper and scraps of wood. I let him light the fire with a match. He kept it burning while I started to cook our dinner. I felt at peace, we were sharing something together, we both enjoyed being outside camping.
My brother arrived with his son. We shared a meal together. We went on an evening bike ride on the side of the lake. When we came back, we put a few logs on the fire and we sat back and enjoyed the evening. We shared a bottle of rhum while the kids were eating marshmallows. The two cousins played together in the dark with their flashlights. We just saw their light and heard their laughs. They went to sleep late. We burned all our wood and fell asleep in our tent past midnight.
This morning at 6h00, as usual, Liam was up… and it was raining. We just picked our gear and left for breakfast. No point in preparing breakfast under the rain outside so we drove to the famous Barbe Jr restaurant on the side of the 105. We shared a big breakfast: lots of coffee, toasts, pancakes, eggs, ham and extra extra bacon. We came back, picked up our tent and came home.
It was a lot of work and preparation for a mere 13h of camping but I’m very happy I did. It was a memorable evening with my big brother and our kids.
This first night out camping on our first week together is a testament to the commitment I have to making this new life an interesting one, filled with joy and adventures.